Thursday, February 26, 2009

Sunday, February 1, 2009


Everybody's wondering what's going to happen to Dr Who in the new season. Not me! I know already! And now you will too because here's the nothing but spoilers sneak preview of what's going to happen on Dr Who this season, episode by episode, thrilling minute by thrilling minute, totally not cobbled together out of plot holes and hand-wavingly nonsensical contrivances buttered over with a thick, gooey layer of treacle and fan-wank. No sir!

1. HAMMERHEAD OF THE GODS The Doctor and his spunky female companion - who is from London, mind - land on a crazy planet that is almost but NOT QUITE like England. Some crazy stuff happens and various authority figures attempt to exert their authority but the Doctor cuts them down to size with a chainsaw - I mean, with sarcasm. He reverses the polarity of the neutron flow and saves the crazy planet that is almost but NOT QUITE like England. He almost kisses his companion but is saved by a gay man. Just as the episode is about to end a television turns on and it shows somebody wearing a mask hollering "FORESHADOWING!!!!", and then it cuts to static.

2. MAN, THAT HURTS The Doctor and his spunky female companion land in London present day. It looks normal, but SOMETHING CRAZY IS GOING ON WITH ALIENS!! The Queen tries to exert her authority over Annie Leibowitz but the Doctor shows her the special paper that he thinks reads peoples minds and appears to be an important document, but it actually just says "I am a crazy man with a bomb, do whatever I say" and so the Queen does whatever the Doctor says. It turns out that some important British guy that nobody in the rest of the world has ever heard of is actually a computer-generated space alien and he dissolves in a smokey pile of goo that forms the word FORESHADOWING on the floor. Then the universe explodes.

3. MAN THAT HURTS PART TWO The universe explodes. As it is exploding the Doctor remembers something important, vacuums up the alien goo, puts it in a glass, swallows it, opens a bit of the Tardis console, pukes into it, hits some buttons, and the universe quits exploding. The force of the puking has thrown the Tardis into a crazy time vortex bubble alternate dimension universe where everybody has water spigots in their foreheads and wanders around three dimly lit sets. The round-type spigots are at war with the two-prong spigots. The Doctor is caught in the middle and his companion is about to have a spigot implanted into her forehead. Suddenly he starts just yanking the spigots out of everybody's forehead. Since he's a Time Lord and lives forever he just keeps yanking those spigots out one at a time until fifty or sixty years later he's yanked the spigots out of every forehead on the entire planet. He then goes back in time and rescues his companion for whom it's only been an unpleasant fifteen minutes.

4. RETURN OF THE MASTER The Doctor lands on the Quarry Planet where other planets mine rocks and film BBC series. He's just chilling when the Master suddenly appears. He's got some super new plan to conquer the universe and is sneering about it, but the Doctor says, "I've had enough of your shit" and pulls out a handgun and shoots the Master two or three times. He then buries the body in a convenient gravel pit and leaves a tombstone that has a video screen in it of that scene from MOMMIE DEAREST when Faye Dunaway playing Joan Crawford says "Don't fuck with me, fellas."

5. DALEKS VERSUS CYBERMEN The Sontarans and the Zygons have learned to be peaceful and are having their Space Olympics against each other on Mars in the year 3000. The Doctor and his spunky London companion arrive. The stadium is called "Foreshadowing Stadium." The Doctor says "I don't like this one eentsy-weentsy little bit!" The Sontarans and Zygons all apologize for trying to kill him previously. Several different sexy alien women and two sexy alien guys try to kiss the Doctor, but he always gets distracted and turns away at the last minute. Turns out the Doctor had deadly space bacteria on his lips that unknowingly he'd gotten on there while eating a space burrito on the planet XC44-7, and the aliens all have Super Blistex that will kill the space bacteria before it infects everybody. In space. They concoct a plan whereby the Doctor has to compete in the Galactic Pole Vault and when he lands everybody jumps on him and kisses him, eliminating the bacteria. The Olympics end and everybody goes home and then the Daleks show up wondering where everybody is.

6. DO NOT IGNORE CLEAR DISCHARGE The Tardis goes through a black hole backwards which fractures space time into five hundred different segments. Five hundred different Doctors visit present-day London and get married to five hundred different 18-30 year old London women and they all go off and have dashing adventures in time and space. There's dramatic music and a fade out and it turns out it's all a story being written by an intelligent computer locked in a dungeon on planet Foreshadowing. The first letters of every sentence in his story spell out a secret formula for a super explosive that, when assembled, does something very impressive indeed. At the end of the episode the Tardis arrives and the Doctor pokes his head out and spits.

7. DANGER UX-B.S. Winston Churchill gets really, REALLY drunk one night during WWII and fires a super rocket at Greenland by accident. The rocket bounces off an invisible space ship piloted by a new kind of time-travelling Dalek who exists outside his Dalek casing and actually looks like one of the guys from Milli Vanilli - the not dead one - and who is the last one of his kind and is really really looking for a place to go to the bathroom. The spaceship lands in the middle of Times Square New York on New Years Eve and fifteen thousand people all see it and go "Hot Crackers!" Then there's a really expensive shot of the Pentagon and everybody in it, and then they send out a squadron of B-17s which pretty much bomb the hell out of New York. Hitler parachutes in to make a deal with the Dalek who agrees to help the Nazis conquer the world in exchange for some Charmin. Hitler is just about to suck all the super science knowledge out of the Dalek's brain with a turkey baster when the Tardis arrives and the Doctor shoots the Dalek two or three times with the same handgun he shot the Master with. There's a closeup of the gun, engraved on the slide is the word "Foreshadowing" in flowing script. Oh yeah, he shoots Hitler too, and a couple of bystanders as well. In fact he just goes nuts and starts shooting everybody. Suddenly the REAL Tardis arrives and the REAL Doctor comes out and hands everybody five dollars and tells them to forget the whole thing.

8. OUTER SPACE IS REALLY NOT MY CUP OF TEA, THANK YOU VERY MUCH On a dark planet that we really can't see very well some space aliens are working on a giant piece of machinery that hisses and has lots of tubes and wires. The space aliens are greenish-gray and have three eyes and wear cloaks with little lights. There's a loud noise and lots of smoke and a hatch opens in the machinery. A big thing rolls out. It's Davros who has had the Master's head surgically implanted in his stomach and the Brain Of Morbius sitting on top of his regular brain and a direct compu-cyber link to the vast data banks of the.. shit, I dunno, the Movellians or the Tereliptils or something. Meanwhile on the planet next door the Doctor and his two London-female companions are having a nice vacation. Suddenly everything around them starts exploding. The Doctor pulls a telescope out of his pocket and looks at the other planet and sees the Davros-Master-Morbius guy firing a gigantic laser cannon at the planet he's on. He's just blasting away at that planet. People are running around and screaming and stuff is on fire and blowing up and stuff. Suddenly a really big laser beam penetrates deep into the planet's core and a giant fire demon comes out. It's Satan. He's pissed. Satan flies up to the other planet and even though Davros blasts him four or five times with the laser cannon it bounces off. Satan quotes "Prince Of Space." The Doctor watches it all through the telescope. This was all part of his plan, he says, he knew Davros would surgically attach the Master's head to his stomach and do the thing with the brains and the cyber compu link and start shooting a giant laser cannon at him and release Satan. All the Doctor has to do is sit back and watch Satan kill Davros. Suddenly the Doctor remembers something. He jumps down the hole and goes to Satan's house, where there's another door. He opens the door. It leads to another planet!

9. OUTER SPACE etc PART TWO The Doctor stumbles drunkenly about the other planet which looks just like Cardiff on Earth. He gets arrested for public drunk and is bailed out by a mysterious stranger. It's Rose! He's back on the crazy alternate Earth where he dumped Rose and her boyfriend and her mom and everybody else from Season One & Two that we got sick of seeing over and over and over again. There's a big weepy reunion and everybody cries. The crying goes on and on. A text crawl appears at the bottom of the screen advising viewers at home to take out their Dalek toys and pretend they are having exciting adventures in outer space with Doctor Who, or perhaps enjoy one of the fine novelizations or comics based on Doctor Who, or perhaps go outside and take a walk. The Doctor promptly gets a job as a stockbroker and buys a townhome and spends the next five years watching television. At the end of the five years he looks up and says "Oh crap!" Meanwhile back in the 'real' world Satan has consumed all living things and is now really, really fat. Also bored. Then God shows up and snaps his fingers and everything is exactly the same again, except the Ramones album "Rocket To Russia" is now titled "Rucket To Rossia."


This is a massive three-part story that explains everything that has REALLY been happening throughout the entire season, and in fact if you haven't been taking really careful notes you will not have the faintest idea what's going on. The only part I really understood is the part where the Master and the Brigadier team up to fight litter.

There you have it, the entire new season of Doctor Who, all spoiled forever. Let's team up to fight litter.